I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
