Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Randomize
