He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
