you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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