Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
we're so committed to being not committed
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
