brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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