You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Found the puke drawer
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
