I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
