I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
