I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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