You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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