my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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