Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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