Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
