I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
