Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
