The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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