And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
