I just threw up on my dentist
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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