I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
