JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
