My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
