saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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