I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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