Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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