In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
