she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
