I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
