And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Randomize
