So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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