Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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