ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
