imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
