Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
