cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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