cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
