do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
