she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
