made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
The Olympian is in my bed
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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