My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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