I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
