The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
