Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
