i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize