Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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