I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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