my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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