Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
