no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
