I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
