My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize