You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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