Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
