I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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