so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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